Hello, everybody, and welcome to a brand new series on heritage radio network called the culinary call sheet where we give a peek into the back kitchen of culinary media. I'm your host, April Jones,

and I'm your co host, Darren bresnitz. Part of why we started the show was to offer an unofficial mentorship for anyone who's interested in learning about all aspects of food and video, whether that's TV, social media online, or just something you want to do for fun.

Absolutely what was once niche or a little silly, as I'm sure you remember, Darren, when we started out, this man has now become such a massive playing field for so many creatives using food as the medium.

It's something that has driven us professionally and personally, for so many years. What excites me the most about this show is that we're going to sit down with some of the industry leaders to hear how they made it and what drew them into this industry.

With 20 years in the culinary production game ourselves. We're hoping we can give through these conversations an insider's view into personal stories from the field, as well as an in depth behind the scenes look into some of the most popular food programming. In today's evolving culinary media landscape.

We'll be covering everything from how to style your food, to how to license IP, to developing your own ideas, and some tips from the masters of how to host your own show.

Yeah, it's a little bit of conversation, how to and how do you do the things that you do in color media, which I'm so excited about? I love so many of the guests that are coming on this season. We have talent from Food Network from Vice media eater refinery 29,

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is coming to you live on the heritage network every Tuesday you know whatever from revertas pizzeria in Bushwick. Enjoyed as usual Anastasia hammer Lopez How you doing? got Matt in a booth. How you doing? Excellent. But like compared to last week? I feel like there's like nobody here. It's like we have empty chairs. There's no was it last week that Jackie molecules made a surprise visit. Hmm. Anyway, calling all of your cookie related questions to 718-497-2128 That's 718-497-2128 And by the way, next week, we will not be here I will be in Chicago existing conditions is participating in the Chicago style. I don't know whether it's called bar fight. Chicago style or Chicago bar fight. I don't really know but I'll be in Chicago and existing conditions we actually don't even know who's running the bar because such a huge chunk of existing conditions is going to be hanging out in Chicago anyway. This is like an anchorman situation where you exchange blows with other bartenders I unfortunately no I mean I would love to see like me get the crap beat out of myself you would not

you would be the one

there you got a man Yeah, you seem you've got crazy energy Well yeah, I don't know there's only so far that like you know crazy person can get you there was a kid I remember in college as true though he was crazy like when you when someone goes crazy to step away you don't really want to fight them you know what I mean? Like how to gauge do not engage

like Yeah, but it's like well, we popped told you that one time

so we pop or you know we pop see Poppy pot or we pops up pot depending on how you how he contracts his name from Bangkok, who was one of the original partners of Nomi Koo and our intern at the French culinary once told me if I mentioned this on air before but just say quickly, alright, so most of you, if you look at your palm and you and you make like a little bit of a like a, what do you call us if you bend it a little bit so you can see the lines in your palm And most of you going across your palm have a different line on the on the left and right that don't meet each other. Right? I have a straight line all the way across means well, so my mom always told me that either meant that I was suffering from some form of genetic retardation or I was a monkey. It's called a simian crease, you can go look it up. It's called a semi increase. So we pop our intern, who I believe now has nightclubs in Bangkok, which is interesting. So we met in front of his long what? What No, one night in Bangkok is a different song that's from Marie head and you hate that song. That song is not about anything that songs about playing chess. I don't know if you know that. Now, yeah, that sounds good to my head. But the you know, the song right? Actually. Excuse me one night in Bangkok makes the hard man humbles somewhere between despair and ecstasy. And that's about chess. Yeah. Excellent. Bangkok. I can't get ahead. I'm not gonna get into it. But now I can't think of anything. So anyway, so we pop just takes one look at it goes. Oh, yeah. In he doesn't talk to this girl. Yeah, in Thailand. That means that someday you're gonna kill someone by accident. I was like, How can like align in your hand mean that someday you're gonna kill somebody? by x? We

all know that somebody's gonna be what? Me Now

although, you know, I have a friend who it's always been said it's going to kill me by accident. Maybe we probably got it backwards. There's a friend of mine from college who is going to kill me by accident someday. Anyway. So call in all of you. Actually, we have a caller on the air. Right. And one

question. So listen, Matt, after they ask their question, hang up on them because nobody has the balls to tell somebody to only ask one question Anastasia. Like, I mean, because I can't text you in this godforsaken hellhole. So I'm letting you know. Here's my

question. All right. We all know there's no internet in this in this box where we're working. What? How is it that you're always searching your phone? Are you just looking at old crap? Is it so boring to you to have the radio program going? I read my diary. And she looks at whatever's cached on her phone. Oh my god, is that what the kids are doing these days? They just cache a whole day's worth of reading onto their telephones. Okay, I call it you're on the air.

Hey, David, Natasha, I'll follow anastasius rule and be a full on zeta male. But I have two comments and one question which hopefully qualifies for a muscle grinder. I've been using the Australia which is similar to the corona and the Victoria. I actually found that if you grind down the burrs, so they have true flats on them almost like a higher end coffee grinder. You can get full on tortilla ready masa using one grind pass through

and and do you do it yourself? Or do you force some other idiot to do it?

No, I do it myself, my friend has a full on machine shop at his home. So one of the burrs, we were actually able to fixture and grind true flat almost on a you know, like you would on a surface grinder, right. But then the other one, there's no good way to hold it unless we were to make a special jig or a tool just to fixture it. So we did that one just on a decently flat plate with some sandpaper. But it looks like both of them can be done just with a plate and sandpaper or even just a semi flat table. And because there is some play on how the burrs align, so it kind of levels out anyway, once you force something in between them, right? The most important thing is to get a true flat on the edges. Because from the factory. Every tooth, you want to think about it that way has a high point to it, it comes to a peak. So it actually cogs when you tighten down and switch in between each tooth, instead of being able to run on each other flat. Well, the

what I meant by getting someone else to do it doesn't mean getting someone else to grind because it's still a bear unless you got your friend at the machine shop hook a motor up to it which I've seen in out I've seen people hook up Coronas to motors did you do that as well because it's still a pain once even once you get it broken in or do what you did, which is make it actually work. It still it still is not the most fun to sit there grinding that thing.

I agree with you on that I did your recipe. I think it was 500 grams of dried corn and that it produced somewhere around the range of 800 Once it was Nixon was right. And that took under I want to say under eight minutes. It was it was worth but it wasn't a dreadful time or anything like that for home use. You know I'm happy with it.

Cool now. So for those of you that don't know what the heck we're talking about, when you make tortillas, you Nick symbolizes the corn and you know you're soaking it you're part cooking and soaking in calcium hydroxide so you like calcium hydroxide solution, aka Cal you cook it partially to par cook it and then let it soak for whatever your amount of time you're gonna let it soak is then you rinse, rub rinse, and then you you grind it and that whole process is the difference between cornmeal and you know, like a corn meal style thing versus a tortilla. So it's a completely different animal. It's like one of the world's most miraculous cooking processes. And I believe my post on it on cooking issues is still available. Is it as as cooking issues in Russian porn site now? Or is it still still good? Still good. All right. And so the problem is, is grinding it. So the what we're talking about is this category of grinders, which, for better lack of a better word will calm Corona, what's the brand that you had?

It's Australia, but it seems to be the same as the corona and the Victoria,

right. So these suckers are built, I believe in Colombia, which is interesting, because I don't wait too long story to get into, but there are sand casted, right, and you can see the sand casting. And I think over time, like the wooden blanks that they that they make the sand castings from, or however they do it, they really suck. I mean, they suck real bad. And so, you know, the only in the plates when you put the so the way this grinder works, it's got, you know, the plate that's bolted onto the grinder itself. And then there's the rotating plate that fits over it. And that's what you adjust forward and backwards with the with the auger just kind of like a meat grinder to adjust the thing, but they don't get anywhere close to matching each other. And it's just they're just phenomenally bad. Such that I think it's intended that you sit there for like, two years just sitting there and doing turning it and just grinding it down to nothing on itself. Because that's the only way that's going to get to work. So this is a good, it seems like a good how much time you think you someone would invest? Could they? Could they do it? Could they do it just by flat rubbing on on a table with with wet dry or you think it wouldn't be good enough? Yeah, so

the one bird that I did that way, it was with wet dry, I think it was 100 or 120 grit and it took under half an hour for one side. So you know up to the user, they're willing to invest that hour. But in terms of breaking it in through actually grinding porn or even dried rice or something I noticed absolutely nowhere after that 10 batches before grinding. And then the birds themselves I thought there would be soft, but we put a bounty on there pretty hard, just most of them in a quick cooling process for the casting. Right, right.

You know, the whole race thing? They're hard, the whole race thing. Yeah, it doesn't do squat like so. I mean, I think it's just to have something running through Well, the burrs are rubbing against each other. And the other thing I think is, is that it's probably a good idea to grind rice, because, you know, through something, just to clean it out, because these things are comes pretty rough, rough castings. So, you know, I think that's kind of part of it. But I agree that, you know, I mean, you can see the cast green in this thing, and they're a little dots and Specks coming up off of the thing. I mean, they've just done a just a terrible job at finishing these things, which I guess you'd expect for the price they are. You know what I mean? It's the same, by the way with cast iron pans, which we should get, you know, get back to cast iron pans. They all used to be not they all but like, you know, the higher end ones used to be sanded down to get rid of that casting grain on them. And they just make much better pans when they used to do that I have a said I have some old like 100 year old or maybe not 100, maybe there's 70 year old cast irons that I used to get them at thrift shops. And man, there's so much better than the current ones. I know a bunch of people have taken disc Sanders to their cast iron, and just you know, new cast iron, and sanded it down a little bit and just gotten to that kind of flat surface. And it really makes a big difference.

So I'll skip my next comment. Just go right to the question. In the food or cooking or even bartending world. Are there any remaining great mysteries on kind of a larger scale? I know you mentioned the elusive dirty and caramel. But it seems like more of a just a personal thing that happened. But are there any remaining huge mysteries in terms of why things happen? Or how certain products are produced and things along that line?

That's an interesting question. Well, they're, you know, the, the thing is that a lot of what is going on in cooking is we depends on what you mean by mystery. So like from a, from a scientific perspective, right? There's lots of stuff that we don't really know what's going on. Right? And especially on the nutrition side, we don't know squat, we don't know diddly squat, right? So there's like, you know, there's there's a whole range of stuff on the on the science side that hasn't been explored just because there's no real reason or economics behind exploring it in terms of like finding new things to cook. I mean, everybody at all times in history who have had, you know, enough energy time and enough of a surplus of food and even if they don't, frankly, have had, I think a full range of culinary experience, right? So and people different cultures are wildly wildly different in terms of what their Eating. So I, you know, I can't see there being any logical stopping point. I mean, obviously nowadays, you know, because of the internet, because of globalization. And because of the kind of interest in consuming all different kinds of things that, you know, especially in in, you know, higher, higher end, higher end, like more wealthy circles have had over the past, you know, several decades, and even longer, you know, there's been what seems to be kind of an explosion of different cooking ideas different, you know, different dishes, and the past 20 years, you have the explosion of kind of new technologies and cooking with low temperature and cvwd, which I think is super interesting and important. And so it can seem like, Well, is there anything else to know? And the fact of the matter is that, you know, that's what people thought in during the age of, well, whatever you want to call it. I mean, I know, politically charged term, but Age of Enlightenment, I'm sure everyone's like, well, you know, Newton's come up with the laws of physics and calculus. So I guess we're all set. You know what I mean? So it's like, I think you never can know what the future brings. And I think there's always going to be, there's always going to be new mysteries to uncover, but you just don't know what they are until someone presents them to you. Right,

awesome. Thanks so much.

I think. So you cooking you got you got another one on the air actually. Alright, caller you're on the air. What's

up? Hey, hey, Dave, this is Anthony calling in from Seattle was? Hey, so I have a question. I was reading through the Modernist Cuisine on the miracle section on cooking sushi. And he recommends folding, if you can, holding the protein for 120 for a couple of hours for some, like tenderizing the packs before actually throwing it in? Would that still be beneficial on doing something like chuck roast that, say 5556 for 40 hours? Or should I just skip that

one? This one? What's 120 and Celsius?

I don't know.

Wait, so you're saying, oh, you know what this is all about? So there's a lot of research. And so let me tell you how this all worked. Back in the day, everyone who had a science oriented mind while you're looking at 120 is like ever 1.91 48.9. Yeah. So in the squarely in the danger zone, the real danger zone, by the way, not like the theoretical danger zone. So back in the day, when everyone would this includes Myhrvold, this includes you know, me includes Wiley clues. Heston includes, you know, grant aid gates includes everyone who was interested in this stuff. We were reading all the science papers, presumably the rochas, you know, you know, who wrote the first book on how to be cooking, that I'm aware of the first real one. So we're all reading like the all of the literature on how meat works. And so, you know, and we all read these books, and studies, that there were this enzyme categories, that what they say autolyzed meat that broke it down that caused protein denaturation and therefore tender isation. Right. And they're like Cal, calpains. And kalpa something's right is what they what they are, is the is the actual enzymes that are there. And then, you know, the online literature would say these enzymes are most active at blah, X temperature. And so then, you know, the assumption was, well, if you hold something in that zone long enough, then you'll get a lot of extra tender isation out of out of that. Now, does that actually make a difference in the end in your meat? I gotta say, I don't know, I can't remember whether I ever ran those tests, I might have. You know, I was at the time when I was doing most of my preliminary research, when I look at it again, in the process of writing the book. But when I was doing most of my preliminary research, I was doing work for chefs, and teaching chefs how to use these techniques. And there's no way on God's green earth, I was going to tell a chef to hold a piece of meat for you know, a couple of hours in something that is so clearly the danger zone, and then ramp it up to a safe zone so that they could get the so the idea is is that if you're in the kill if you're in the kill zone within your four hour limit, I guess is you know, the argument that you know, you're going to you're going to be okay, but there's so much can go wrong in a restaurant that there's there would be no way I would ever recommend doing that. You know, to someone who was doing this professionally, you know, I mean, there's no way I would ever recommend it. You know, I've seen Nastasia for instance, people get the temperatures wrong and have things circulating it exactly the wrong temperature from Many many many, many, many hours. Right? And Stacia. Yeah. So and because that oh my god that the Stasi have put something in at Fahrenheit for Celsius. So in other words 55 Celsius and the circulator is set at 55 Fahrenheit. And then and then used as a frickin doorstop. So like when literally used as a doorstop. So like when I when I tell you that, like when you're giving people instructions on stuff like this, I've very, I almost always shy away from giving from giving instructions that aren't as bulletproof as possible. From a safety standpoint, taste standpoint, you can kind of be a little more wiggle waggle, you can give something, somebody something it's not bulletproof, as long as you warn them. It's not bulletproof. But from a safety standpoint, you have to kind of go bulletproof on him. Because once anything can go wrong. It will. We just got fishbowl I know that was weird. This is the first time we've ever done fishbowl. What did they do?

They looked in here with their hand with

their hand over there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So the second thing I'll say is, is that I don't know what kind of function those things have on collagen, right. So just because something breaks down the muscle fibers doesn't mean it breaks down the collagen. And 99.9% of what you perceive as toughness in meat is not the muscle fibers. It's the connective tissue. And, and I need people to understand this. And this is what I'm going to be trying to figure out when I'm writing the book, how to get people to understand this, when you're doing low temperature cooking, or you're doing high temperature cooking, there is a fundamental difference in what it means to tenderize it break down the muscle fibers themselves, broken down muscle fibers almost always present themselves as being mushy, or fibrous. So if you've had something that's been, you know, cooked too long, using low temperature, and you chew on it, it's like it breaks up into fiber and forms like a fibrous like could pill in your mouth, right? And so it almost you want to talk about styles, you've heard that word forms that kind of fibres ball, and then as you if you keep chewing it right, which, you know, I'm not one of these mastication freaks who choose like 100 time obviously not how fast weight and stasis so fat is disgusting and Stasi has been like disgusted. And she still doesn't forgive me for how fast he Jiro Dreams of Sushi. Even though that was not my fault because I get to eat at whatever speed I want to people. It's my mouth, my right and believe you are willingly waiting back into this. I'm not going to I'm going to leave it there. But the point is, is that if you sit there and choose something that's been where the muscle fibers have been broken down by, but however they're done, it gets this kind of fibrous kind of mushy nature, which I don't appreciate. But if you then cook you know, if you then cook the collagen that provides a different kind of tendrils ation, and I don't know how well those enzymes work on breaking down collagen I have to research it. So a long way of saying your results may vary, but I don't know how much of a difference it would make if it made a giant difference. I would guess everybody would do it.

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Are you enjoying this podcast? Heritage Radio Network has plenty more. My name is Terry came in

and I'm Lea Kurtz and together we host food without borders here on HRM.

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We have a parade of callers so there's there's yet another on the air if you're ready. All right cavalcade. What's up caller?

Hey, this is Monty from Jacksonville, Oregon.

Oh, I've never been to Jacksonville, Oregon. How close is that to Corvallis?

It's it's on the border of California actually.

Oh, so you're you're close to the redwoods. You're close to Jedediah Smith. Well, yeah, more or less? Yeah. God's country on the

i Five, five care corridor. Kennedy

Park in California is one of my favorite places anywhere. I love that place.

Oh yeah, absolutely beautiful. So majestic. Yeah. Yeah. And speaking of trees, I've got Douglas fir on my property now. I thought about how do you cook was for tips I know people make a tea out of. I was wondering if there's other things people do.

I you know, so interesting. So, Bobby Murphy, our beverage director at existing conditions we didn't get for tips and Doug for tips we have we bought $600 worth of Spruce tips. And $600 worth of Spruce tips can fit in my backpack which is disconcerting. You would think $600 where the spruce tips could not fit in my backpack, but you'd be wrong. You know, I've never worked with I've never worked with Doug fir. So, you know, with this one, the question was, you know, the Stasi and I have what, what what variety and treated we distill for, for that party. It could have been a Doug fir because Doug firs are used as Christmas trees, but I don't think we did Doug for the Stasi. And I have once years and years and years ago, bought a Christmas tree and then distilled it the whole tree that MTV. Yeah, it was MTV. Yeah, we were like, how many? Was it like 1200 people definitely 1500 People that party. And stupid. This is like when I was like, dumber, dumb, dumb, dumber, which if you can believe I was at once dumber than I am now. I was like, we're going to distill we're going to distill the nobody cared. Nobody gave a rat's behind. We just didn't we distilled. We sat there. I don't know how many like it was like a like over a day, the Stasi and I sat there distilling a Christmas tree. First of all, we had to walk into the French Culinary Institute, like an idiot with Christmas trees on our bed, break it down, and everybody's sitting there cracking wise, because everyone when they pass you, whenever you're doing something nonconventional anywhere. Everyone walks past you if you're in a public ish area, and they think no one else has made a wisecrack about you. And so then everyone takes their chance at doing a new wisecrack. So Anastasia, of course, is less able to withstand this stuff without putting the scowl on her face. So Miss Darcy is sitting there probably with her Christmas hat. I don't know if by the way she located. He was not a footballer twice. What? Oh, anyway, so then we're sitting there it with like angry faces shredding a Christmas tree? Oh, yeah. Yeah, shredding a Christmas tree. And then stuffing the needles into the road of app and just running the roadshow that constantly like for a day and a half. And then get this live? carbonating I built carbonation rigs for adapters for EC units.

Do you remember what the one joke that everybody kept saying over and over was no one gets the Grinch is blue.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, my. Geez. Oh, my God. It's just like making fun of somebody's name. They've had their name their whole life. You can't make fun of their name in a way they haven't heard before. The 30th person who like makes a wisecrack about you doing X, Y, or Z? Like one of the other people's already made that wisecrack? You know what I mean? That's why if you're going to wisecrack someone only do it if you have the an actual something new that they couldn't possibly have thought of before. That's why a lot of the time is dasya. I just say something that's completely off the wall. Because at least like, well, I've never heard it before. You don't I mean, we at least I've never heard that before. But I was told by somebody. It's a little off topic, that the Stasi and I sometimes shock people with what we say. I was told by our PR representative for Booker and DAX that we sometimes say things that are not by the way in it, not in a meeting or sexual way, just completely inappropriate. And kind of like, right, yeah, I don't know what it is. Anyway, back to Doug fir. So at the bar, we have these spruce tips and we're doing just like you said, we're making a tea so I've only ever either made a water based tea or an alcoholic distillate from them. Now, I don't know how well I mean, I can imagine many things like dug for ice cream would be obviously delicious. Do I know whether or not there's going to be a problem with the milk? No, I mean, this is where the test if you have dug dug for on your property. Also what he did dug for us. Sounds like something the other thing I don't know about dug for is I don't know how long the needles last on dug for. Are you talking shoots like fresh, fresh shoots.

Yeah, I take the green you know when it's just bright green, just budding out.

Yeah. So for those of you that deal with conifers, like when you're walking through the forest on and it's around the time that they're flushing fresh, like just go ahead and do yourself the favor of tasting the old ones are relatively flavorless and flavor they do have is very very harsh. And you could tell by the color green unless unless you're a complete and in cow poop you can tell by the color of green whether you're dealing with a fresh shoot and the fresh shoots are usually like much more fun much more interesting much brighter. So like I would see whether or not they mess up milk mean I think there's probably a good chance they would mess up milk like a decent chance that they'll mess milk up. But I can see like a delicious sorbet or I can really see a delicious ice cream out of it. You know, I don't know how much I mean there's no point in burning that stuff because it's just going to burn I don't know it's going to give anything good but I would try that we've been doing steeps, we've we've tried regular steeps, we've tried rapid and few steeps, the rapid and fuse I don't know how much of a difference it made in the in the needles. And we've also tried pressure cooking to get like a like to get it out quick but at a higher temperature. And they all yield different but interesting results. So one thing I'll say is that when you're dealing with extracts from like different conifers, the one of the issues that you get is, once you've been tasting it for a while you become a little kind of inured to the flavor of it. And so you tend to overdose. So whatever you think is a good dose, I would then wait a minute and try like literally half of that dose and see whether or not you like it better, right? Because some people are repelled by overly resinous things like Mistah. So you don't really like super resume things, right? Yeah, some people are repelled by over resonance things. And I find that sometimes less can be enough for people who are pining lovers or you know, kind of for lovers, but at the same time, you know, can bring people who would otherwise be repelled into the fold of liking it. But I think an ice cream I not I'm thinking about I think ice cream would be delicious. One other thing is, do you have sugar pines that far north.

Not close by anyway. I wish I had. Yeah, they're huge there, but not not close. Delicious. For the ice cream, would you actually steep it in the milk?

If it wasn't branded, if it wouldn't break. So like if you have a vacuum machine, what I would do is I would I would throw the I would like, like rough chop the chutes. And then I would throw them in the in a in a bag and suck as much of a vacuum as you can get the milk really cold, put us a small or cream or whatever, put a small amount of it in the bag, you might actually be better off adding some sugar first because the sugars, sugar will help stabilize the milk against breaking. So you know like large amounts of sugar do a lot to stabilize milk against breaking, which I discovered by accident that's I've talked about milk syrup on the air before but you know we can make a stable milk syrup that won't break even in a shaken acid drink by stabilizing with a lot of sugar before you add the acid. So you might need some sugar if it's going to break but I would put it in a vacuum bag, you need to leave a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot of space because nothing foams quite as well as milk does even when it's real cold. So you know, but you suck a little bit of a vacuum on it or even you know, put a non foaming thing with the chutes suck a hard vacuum on it to inject liquid in and then add the milk and milk and or cream and sugar and or eggs if you want to do all at once into the bag with it to cold infuse. And I think cold infusion or even warm infusion might be the way to go. I pretty sure I think you have a good chance that it will curl and break if you go like let's say if you're going to just make an unglazed bass with it, and then strain it out later. You know which you're cooking at 82 or 83 degrees Celsius for like 1015 minutes. I mean that'll infuse it fast as a mother might break it again. We're the test because the egg egg yolks are also stabilizing it and sugar is stabilizing. And so you might get a stable thing there but we don't think that would taste delicious. Doesn't everyone think that would taste delicious? Doug for ice cream? Sounds good to me. Yeah, absolutely. Cool. We know how it works. Yeah. We have one more on the on the phone. All right. Caller you're on the air. Hi, Dave. It's Claire. Hey, Claire. How you doing? We got fishbowl again. What the hell is this? My

Claire?

Am I wearing clothes? Are you wearing clothes? Why are people looking into the studio? People you're not wearing clothes you're calling in. You're one of those people who like writes Yelp reviews without putting their clothes on. If you're gonna write a Yelp review, have the decency to put on pants before you sit down at the keyboard. I don't think you have the right to criticize someone else. If you if you can't even bother to get dressed before you write the criticism. Okay, you don't think so? Sure.

You'll see what I'm saying. related to my question.

I don't know is it? What's your question? Oh,

I don't know. I'm confused. Oh, you're talking to stop?

Well, anyone who listen, I'm just saying, like,

I love writing Yelp reviews. They dress when I write them.

Good. Good. Because someone, someone has worked real hard and they have to get dressed to go to the restaurant to make your food. The least you can do when you're talking about their hard work on your computer is to have the decency to at least pretend like you're taking Do it seriously. You know what I mean? I agree. Yeah, go ahead. What do you got for us?

Okay, so I heard that you are a bit of a wedding speech aficionado. And it just so happens that I'm officiating my first wedding this weekend in Santa Barbara. And I'm really struggling with my feet. So I wanted to know if you had any advice?

Well, when you get to me my age, Claire. I see, I see many, shall we say, interesting wedding speech. But since almost every wedding I've been to has been friends or family. I'm not really at liberty to talk over the radio of what they are. I've never seen like, what was the speech that Stevie's me gave in that movie? I don't know. Anyway, but you're actually officiating. So? Yeah, I mean, I think that like don't gild the lily. I mean, I don't really have any cookie related advice to this, but I'm saying like, you know, pretty much people are there to get married. Right? And what are you some sort of like fake Reverend Church of the poison mine in the state of California?

I wouldn't say that fake. I'm a reverend licensed by the Universal Life Church.

What the heck is universal life? Are the people who are licensed the fake reference? You don't know that? Yeah. But what does it mean?

Like is there any belief especially one denomination, there nondenominational.

What? First of all, non denominational. Does that mean any denomination or non denominational? Or is it Christian? No. So it's not just non denominational speech? Why What I'm saying is, is I don't even know what this means. Like, what like, why did they even do this? Why don't they just why does the city government or just say pay me 50 bucks and you can do the wedding? Like, why do they need to have this fake church stuff? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, just, you know, Claire, are you are you religious in any sense of the word or do you have any sort of religion to you does?

Yeah. I mean, whatever. Not like, okay, great. Not like, I'm like a lot of different.

Let me tell you something about real reverence. So I was, what the hell? I'm not religious, but I was married by, you know, my wife's uncle, who was a real honest to God, not Southern, but Baptist minister right at his church. And let me tell you something about reverend's ministers, priests, rabbis, whomever. Here's what they have done that you haven't done a crap ton of weddings like a crap ton. Anyone that controls any sort of house of worship, has done a boatload of weddings, they are practiced. I'll never forget what what my Uncle Ken said to me right before he got married. He cried. It was so powerful. I cried after I cried out to do it. Let me tell you, for those of you that have not been married before, like, it is more powerful than you think it's going to be once you get to the back. I mean, like, that's the whole thing, right? Everyone's like, oh, not religious man, American bird like Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, what does it mean? And then when you actually get married in front of all your friends and family, you're like, oh, wow, that's, you know, not what I expected. But what he said to me beforehand was He's like, he's like, Guys, this is going to take 17 minutes. He's like, I don't care. Like how many vowels you have. I don't care like what you're doing. He's like, it's gonna be 17 minutes, and it was 17 minutes. You know why he knows this? Because he's done it. Eight bajillion times. Right. He knows. He knows, like, where to stand. He knows. And during rehearsal, by the way, rehearsal for you is going to be especially important, right? You know, like, you know, like, where to direct people, everyone. Everyone who has not been married before has all these like weird knucklehead ideas of what they want to have happen at their wedding. It's just like, Nastasia this actually relates to cooking when you throw a party, right? When you throw a party, and you have chefs and you have all these different players each have their own minds, right? And like all of the freakin bridesmaids, and all of the freakin groomsmen or whatever they call them nowadays, like the flower people, the ring bearers that guess

about the ring thing.

I was like, they all have their own ideas, right? And so you think in your mind, I'm going to organize it exactly like I want to be and you can't and it's the same thing with a party. You have to be the as the officiant, you are the Iron Fist of this wedding. And you during the during the rehearsal, you better keep everyone in freaking line and make them do what they're supposed to do at the freaking event so that the bride doesn't look back later and be like, that was a crap show. What the hell was I thinking having clarifying the officiating at my wedding? Oh, no one's gonna hear what I was saying. The lines were flubbed. There was feedback on the microphone. There was so much wind in my back because we were outside because he was going on in my head was in my face. That was good. The Free can happen because you know why you haven't done a wedding before. So do the research, do the rehearsal and take the rehearsals. Seriously.

I'm doing two rehearsals. I'm doing one on Thursday and one on Friday.

That's good. What do you got for the rings?

Okay, so this is cool. You're gonna like this. So the couple you might know them, they win the people into standing reception. So we're weaving a rope to make like lines where people stand. And then right before the rings, I'm going to say, you'll notice there's a rope at your feet, please pick it up, and then we're going to during the wedding bands, threw the rope up to the front. Starting at the back,

this is going to be a nightmare.

a logistical nightmare. I know. We're gonna have to rehearse it. And I'm staging people throughout the crowd who know what

we're doing what we're doing. I'm not giving it I'm not spoiling anything, but I think it's kind of funny that you're Are you literally in Santa Barbara? Yeah, right now. No, no, that's where the wedding is gonna be. Oh, yeah. Okay, Santa Barbara, where they have the pier on the beach. No, no, it's not a ranch. No, but that's where Santa Santa Barbara is on the water right has appeared to be. So there's a movie out now by appeal, you might be familiar with it called. And I'm not giving anything away about the movie called us. And interestingly, hands across. It's in Santa Barbara, where it takes place. And hands across America, where everyone's holding hands and like creating lines forms very large in this. So I hope that everyone enjoys everyone thinking about the movie us. Well, they are at the wedding. Oh god. Yeah. And I hope that doppelganger is dressed in red with scissors show up, because that will be sick.

Really putting a dampener really raining on my parade when I send you my speech, and you can give me your feedback.

Listen, keep it short and simple. Do they love each other? Is this some sort of joke, as I've said a million times? For real? I think but people get trapped into getting married. Do you know this? I don't. I don't think this is this is not food related. But I think the same thing happens like with partners with restaurants with dishes, it's all the same. You go down a road. And once you've gone down a road, more than about 50 or 100. Hard to turn around. Like the ship of life is big, and it's hard to turn it. You know what I mean? And